When I was nine years old, I felt somehow I had started getting sexually aroused; it was the onset of my adolescent period.
Each time I felt sexually aroused by ‘anything’ I would wonder, what should I do? This was my struggle and I thought what was happening was just occurring to me alone.
In no time I started rubbing the area that was reacting to my arousal, my penis. It felt good and I would occasionally put my hand in my trouser and rub myself with so much pleasure, but this was not the normal pleasure.
Something started happening each time I would rub myself, some small watery fluid would emerge from my penis and all over suddenly I would feel some satisfaction and my pleasure would end.
By the age of eleven years old I was now on Vaseline and lubricants, however each time I would lubricate my penis, masturbate and some watery fluid would emerge I felt so dirty, which for me felt very strange because according to me I was just having fun.
When I was twelve years old, I felt so much in love with this girl who was extremely beautiful. I could not however tell her I was in love with her; I later came to learn that what I was feeling was called a ‘crush’.
Reasons for not sleeping with women to ease myself from masturbation was that, I was a Christian and for that matter a saved one. No one talked of masturbation in church but they all talked of not sleeping with women before getting married.
I remember envying some community I read in my social studies class that married at the age of between nine to thirteen years old. I felt I should get married and have as much sex as possible.
Years went by and I continued masturbating, worried whether I should stop, but I could not because it was sweet. It was the only sure way to ease oneself from sexual arousal and not get someone pregnant or getting infections.
In high school people joked about how some guys used Vaseline to ease themselves, everybody would laugh but inside of me I felt guilty of not maintaining sexual purity.
I went to all Christian union meetings and rallies with none talking of masturbation, it was as if it never affected Christians or even better saved people of the Lord.
It is not easy to live a life of masturbating, all I want is to live a clean live and to worship my God with purity, but how does someone get out of it?
I know they are people with stories to tell on this struggle, how did you overcome it? Or does it not exist?
I just want to live a masturbation free life.